I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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