He uses pillows to masturbate.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
