are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do vagina's smell?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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