the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
