Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Your cock deserves a montage
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Randomize