why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
