Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
