He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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