I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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