you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
