thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
