this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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