ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
