Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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