Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
