FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
