she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
