The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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