I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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