My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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