I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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