we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just had sex on a roof
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize