it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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