Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
