I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
