we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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