My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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