why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
