Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize