You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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