i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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