worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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