You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
