I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
