The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
