There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
