I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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