Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
