Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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