You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
