ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
