Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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