Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
