I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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