woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
