And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
