Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
