My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize