So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
