I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
