yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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