I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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