Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
