omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
