One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize