I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
