the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
