I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
