Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
