dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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