I can text with my tongue
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
