my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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