i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
