apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
