just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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