He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
